What I've Learned About Showing Vulnerability as a Leader

As a leader your job is to produce business results, but at some point you may find yourself in a vulnerable position. A sick child or parent. The loss of a loved one. Financial issues or a mental health lapse. You’re human, and there’s life outside of business. 

I’ve been an entrepreneur for over a decade, and lots of life events have challenged me to be vulnerable. One of the most challenging was the premature delivery of my son. I was seven months pregnant when my water broke at work. I was taught earlier in my career that being vulnerable was connected to weakness, so I always avoided it. But this time, I couldn’t. I was the CEO, and people were counting on me.

When it comes to vulnerability, there is no clear-cut answer as to how much is too much. It can be a delicate balance that requires leaders to be self-aware and attuned to the needs and expectations of our team members.

The Difference Between Being Vulnerable and Authentic

According to Deborah Gruenfeld, a social psychologist, Joseph McDonald Professor and Lacob Family Faculty Fellow at Stanford University’s Graduate School of Business, and the author of the book Acting with Power: Why We Are More Powerful Than We Believe, vulnerability and authenticity are often used interchangeably, but they shouldn't be. 

“Vulnerability refers to a state of personal fear, powerlessness, or insecurity,” Gruenfeld says. “Authenticity, on the other hand, refers to a state of integrity, truthfulness, and alignment between one's feelings, values, and social identity, and how one presents oneself.”

Having a premature baby didn’t change my capabilities as a leader, but it did change my circumstances. I needed to be honest with my team and my clients so we could create a path forward. I sent out an update with an action plan that included a new point of contact and a timeline for my return. I’ll never forget their responses. Some clients sent me flowers, some shared well wishes and their experiences with a traumatic birth, and others praised me for prioritizing my family.

"As leaders, you have to model the behaviors you want to see in your culture. This includes transparency and authenticity.”

My Role as a Leader Is to Lead

Employees, customers, shareholders, and board members need different things from their leaders. As leaders, our job is to create stability, which can be challenging during difficult times, but that’s our role. When you consider your stakeholders and what each of them needs from you, you can devise a plan of action.

In 2020, when businesses shut down during the COVID-19 pandemic, I was in the process of scaling my business and had to pivot to reserve cash. I was concerned but made it a point to communicate frequently with my team and board. Keeping them informed helped demonstrate I was on top of the situation, despite its challenges.

While it's important as a leader to be transparent with our teams, over-sharing or appearing overly emotional during a vulnerable moment can undermine your authority and credibility. You can be mindful of how much you’re sharing and how you present difficult situations to your team.

Consider How Your Actions Influence Company Culture

Effective leadership is about creating a culture of trust and respect. One of my favorite thought leaders on people leadership is Dr. Tina Opie, Associate Professor in the Management Division at Babson College and founder of Opie Consulting Group LLC. "As leaders, you have to model the behaviors you want to see in your culture," Opie says. "This includes transparency and authenticity.”

Some leaders believe company culture is created as part of a marketing initiative, but strong company cultures are just as much about how you behave as they are what you believe. At Tote + Pears, empathy is one of our core values. When I was interviewing potential candidates for a position, one said that she had recently lost her father. During the interview I shared my condolences and mentioned I understood as I had recently lost a loved one. When we hired her, I suggested we delay her start date so she could have more time with family before starting a new job.

"As a leader, you're not just working with your team but navigating the broader societal context, which is why creating comfortable boundaries is so important,” Opie says. By extending a little grace, this person was able to join us when she was ready – and quickly became one of our greatest assets. 

Have Safe Spaces Outside of Work

At the start of my business, I lived and breathed my work, but over time, I realized I need space outside of my business to share more fully. So I’ve built a support team full of therapists, coaches, friends, and small-business groups that I can turn to when I need to be vulnerable in ways I can’t at work. Having this outlet helps make me a better leader.

Reframe Vulnerability as a Leadership Asset

Although vulnerability can carry some risk for leaders, Gruenfeld says, it can crate positive outcomes if there is intention and self-control behind it. This is certainly true in my experiences. Navigating the vulnerabilities associated with a traumatic birth, a global pandemic, and grief are experiences that have shaped me as a human and a leader.