We all know bad listeners. There’s the person who checks his smartphone while you are giving a presentation. The person who glazes over mid-way through a conversation (or worse, yawns). The one who miraculously turns whatever you are saying into a story about themselves (“Oh yeah, that happened to me when…”). And my favorite: the one who cuts you off mid-stream to change topics, proving that they haven’t heard one word out of your mouth.
Listening is a skill, one that needs practice. It is vitally important in business, and something professionals often find themselves struggling with.
A while back, the people at Zenger Folkman, a consulting and leadership firm based in Orem, Utah, developed a software program to help track personal development plans. According to Jack Zenger, co-founder of the firm and author of The Extraordinary Leader, “most people want to work on their interpersonal skills, specifically their listening skills.”
Why?
“It’s simple,” he says. “The most effective tool that a leader has is to hear messages accurately. The problem is, there isn’t any training on how to do that, so many people have a very hard time.”
Here are a few rules to being a good listener:
Remove distractions
During meetings, it’s always tempting to check your e-mail (especially if you are on a conference call), look at your Blackberry, or sift through papers in front of you. Fight the urge. These are all major distractions that need to be avoided, Zenger says.
“You need to clearly show your interest in what the other person has to say,” he notes. “Especially if you are in front of them, look at them. Maintain eye contact. Give them a variety of signals that lets them know you are really engaged—like nodding your head, saying ‘yes, uh huh,’ etc.”
Request clarification
Lets say you are having a conversation with an employee and they say something that you don’t understand. They are talking so quickly that you don’t get a chance to interject. When they do finally take a breath, make sure to go back and ask for clarification.
“If you hear something you didn’t understand or that surprised you, don’t just let it pass,” suggests Dennis M. Kratz, dean of the School of Arts and Humanities at University of Texas Dallas and author of Effective Listening Skills. “If you don’t understand and don’t ask, it can lead to unfair conclusions and assumptions.”
Ask questions
Have you ever been talking with someone and, as you pause, they ask a thought-provoking question, directly related to what you are saying? Doesn’t that feel great? Asking these types of questions, not just saying "Yes or "No," is key to being a good listener, Zenger says.
“One of the ways true listening occurs is by capturing what the other person is wanting to say, not just what they are saying,” he says. “Try to ask questions to get to the heart of the matter, to get a person to think more clearly and deeply about a topic. These are questions that can expand a conversation.”
A few of Zenger’s examples include: What would you like to accomplish in this conversation? What are the major factors that are contributing to this issue? What would you like to see happening here? What bold steps could you take that would transform the situation you are facing?
In addition to asking questions during the conversation, periodically test the accuracy of your understanding by summarizing a person’s point of view after the talk, Zenger advises. “Be attentive to the emotion wrapped around the message,” he says. “For example, you could say, ‘I see that you are really frustrated by this issue.’”
Don’t ambush
Kratz defines ‘ambush listening’ as prejudging what someone will say before they start speaking; i.e. listening just to pounce. “This works in political debates, but it doesn’t work well in practice,” he says. “The prime goal of listening is to learn; it isn’t about winning a discussion. Let people say their piece.”
Be patient
Long-time married couples have the tendency to finish each other sentences. This can be annoying in romantic relationships, let alone professional ones. “Let people finish," Kratz says. "Don't interrupt."
In the same vein, try not to make the conversation about you. Remember, your job is to listen to them. “You may think that by showing someone that something similar happened to you, you are somehow identifying with them, but that really isn’t the case,” Zenger says. “Instead you are making the conversation about yourself, which can be quite frustrating for the person talking.”
A few good books on listening include: Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston, M.D. and The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols.